Friday, March 04, 2005

I was writing my "about me" section again....and it really made me think...WHO AM I? Someone asked me this question once...and i said something stupid like "cheese, asian and girl"...This person questioned my belief of who i was, and i got angry because of it. Sometimes its harsh knowing that you are blind to even yourself...
Well...i dont think im confident enought to really answer that question now either. I sometimes act tough...saying stuff like "i don't care what the world thinks" and stuff...but sometimes i think that i do. I am a terrible hypocrite...I hide alot of myself from the world...to even some of my friends...and that a terrible thing to do. I do have have that i am very myself with..but then there are the ones that i am not myself with. Although i am thankful for those special friends that have set me free (to a certain degree) ...i still question why them? and why not the others? Why was i able to show myself to one...but not another...? Am i not equally afraid and scared of everyone? Am i not equally comfortable or relaxed with everyone. It isnt the friends that i have had the longest, that are closest to me either....It's strange isnt.
I really do wish that i could be myself and be accepted by everyone as who i am. But...I suppose you could call this feeling...a sortof...fear? Perhaps a fear of rejection...fear of ...I don't know...

If i don't know...then who does?

But i think that i only hide maybe 50% of my true self...50% is completely real..I'll promise you that! The things i hide is actually stuff like my love for shouting, being crazy, running around....just creating chaos everywhere. I would think that this is the type of personality that people would accept.. wouldn't you?...*sigh* so this is where the confusion lies...Am i afraid of society...or do i think i'm better than society....or am i just stupid? -__- ....

I may seem like a messed up child...but i'm not really...I'm a very happy child...I love laughing and smiling.... I'm very blessed by all the people around me...My thinking is usually very straight and i'm often stubborn about my beliefs...
but then there are times when i realise something...something i can't answer...something that i thought i knew, but actually didn't.... My brains is full of black boxes >.<

In regards to who i am...I think that i do know who i am...not in complete detail...but i know. I just wish for the fog to disapear so that i may see mroe clearly....
I should thank a certain friend out there for helping me find myself. I'm not sure if you know how much you've helped me...but i'm very thankful...and i'm sure my thanks will reach you...even if you don't know you've recieved it =D

Another thing troubling my identity...is my religious belief. I say that i am a Christian. I go to church every Sunday...and i love it on sunday...I learn so much and i feel really great about my faith and my belief... but then, it fades so fast.....it's really quite sad....
There was a praise and worship song that i used to know...i dont quite know the lyrics..but it was about how on sunday, we worship God and praise to the heavens...but then on monday, thats all gone...and our bibles are left lifeless.... That song pierces my heart right now...The last time i sang this...i told myself i'd never become such a person....but here i am now....alive in person...such a person. I am a shame to my chirstian identity...I am a shame to everyone that calls themselves christians... I am a shame to the God that is watching over me....
But i continue to carry this shame...i do not try to rid myself of it....I do not repent for my sins... I do nothing! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...I'm so scared....I'm scared that i have compeltely flipped to the dark side....that i no longer have jesus in my heart..............I am very afraid......I feel lost....
I wish to go to God....I wish to stay with him....I wish he wouldn't forget about me....I don't want to be left behind.....
I wish that you would pray for me...
And i will try my best to find my faith again! I'm sure it hasnt gone too far. But please pray for me...I beg of you...


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